They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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