I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
