I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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