so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Randomize
