seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Randomize
