you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
