I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
