it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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