I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Randomize
