Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
