I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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