You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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