Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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