just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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