Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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