Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Randomize
