My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
