Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
