I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize