Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
