Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
