Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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