Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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