I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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