When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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