Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
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