I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
