My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Randomize
