I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
