it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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