Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
His nipple licking is glorious
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