Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
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