Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Randomize
