I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
