found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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