no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Im just a social blackout drinker.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I did not marry a roomba.
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