Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
