who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
