I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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