Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
