It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
