there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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