this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
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