I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
