tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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