Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
