When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
