Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
