Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Randomize
