I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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