Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
