afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
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I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
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Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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