I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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