i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Randomize
