Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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