I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
