I just pynch a tree in the face
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
